Finding Out If Anyone At Kraft Can Cook

In Finding Sam Breakstone's Favorite Recipes, we started to open up a recipe booklet created by Kraft in 1981.  Now, let's try some.  Let's try them virtually.

This was the
front page

This was pages 2 and 3.  You see how it works

The first recipe is for Cottage Cheese Dip.  I made it .... sort of.  I didn't have any scallions, so I used cilantro.  And I didn't have lemon juice, so I used lime.  Also, I should point out that I used Friendship cottage cheese because it was on sale.
Even so, it didn't taste bad exactly. There was just very little point to it.  Dipping something in cottage cheese is unnerving.  Still, if you ever want to make cottage cheese southwestern style, I highly recommend adding cilantro and lime.  Throw in some grilled corn while you're at it.


The second recipe is for a straightforward sour cream dip.  There's really no reason to add in the mayonnaise and I didn't.  I've really never seen anybody make this type of thing fresh, though. I usually just dump in a packet of ranch mix.  Who owns Hidden Valley?

Mrs. Breakstone's Tuna Salad is a confusing recipe.  I wasn't entirely aware of the existence of a Mrs. Breakstone.  I'm glad Sam settled down.  At any rate, Kraft wants you to combine tuna fish and cottage cheese.  I couldn't do it because it just sounds terrible.  I mean, really awful.  Although, apparently, there are some people who are into it.


Sour Cream Ambrosia is a classic.  If anything, the recipe is too conservative.  Throw in marshmallows, cherries and some dessert spices like nutmeg.  It's just good.


Sweet And Sour Cream Dressing sounds like it might be good.  I can't make it myself because somebody in my house is allergic to nuts.  If anyone wants to try this and report back, I will be: a) grateful; and b) amazed.


Creamy Cucumber Mold is just ... They want me to gelatinize cottage cheese.  There are some lines I will not cross.


Now we're into side dishes, and I just realized that Kraft wanted me to serve ambrosia as an appetizer.  The first side, Sam's Corny Casserole, seems okay.  I would never put in the cottage cheese.  Is it just me?  I wouldn't eat cottage cheese in any dish that's name didn't include "And Cottage Cheese."  What is that?  Melon and cottage cheese?  Perfect, hand it over.
Zucchini Baskets sounds like something I might try.  It doesn't have cottage cheese in it.


Sam's Fiesta Platter is the first recipe that doesn't have a Breakstone's product in it,  although they strongly imply that you should use this Kraft product.  It's really just a way to tell you about two more sour cream dips for your nachos: Avocado and Chile.  In both cases, it seems much easier to just mash up an avocado or throw on some sliced chilies.  


The less said about the Blue Cheese Squares, the better.  I have yet to curse on this blog and I'd prefer to keep it that way.


The Hot 'N Creamy Potato Salad is interesting.  First, I do prefer to have sour cream instead of mayonnaise in my potato salad.  Second, this is the first main recipe that is necessarily unkosher.  That's a strange decision for Kraft to have made.  If nothing else is true of the Breakstone family, this certainly is:  they were Jewish.  And their first success came from serving the Jewish families of Brooklyn and the lower east side.  (It's not my fault people a hundred and ten years ago shopped by religion.)  I don't think bacon made up a large part of their diet, in that I believe that many of the Breakstone family lived their entire lives without ever tasting it.


Cucumber 'N Onion Salad is a fine recipe.  I like it much better without the sour cream.



Tangy Chive Potatoes is ... a baked potato with sour cream on it.  Things are starting to spin out of control.  "Hey, try some sour cream on your potato!" just doesn't seem like a recipe to me.


Saucy Broccoli wants me to mix cottage cheese into my broccoli which ... no.  Also, there's a sketch of hot coffee on this page.  What does that have to do with anything?
Spinach Rice Bake is a rice casserole with cottage cheese in it.  I'd try it.  Once.


I like the Double Cheese Noodle Bake because it's basically noodle kuggel.  Since it doesn't include eggs, sugar, or specify a broad egg noodle rather than, say, spaghetti, it is destined to be horrible.  Did Kraft really think people in 1981 would flip out over any mention of ethnic cuisine?  "This is  a Jewish dish?  Well, I'm just gonna take a hostage."

Main dishes:  Lasagna Rolls.  Kraft wants me to ruin my lasagna by substituting cottage cheese for ricotta.  I won't compromise my grandmother's (Italian neighbor's) lasagna recipe like that.
Chicken Spaghetti Pie sounds okay until you look at the instructions.  They seem to be skipping steps, such as exactly how to make a bechamel sauce.  They don't even call it a bechamel sauce.  They call it a white sauce.  That offends me for reasons I am unable to explain.


The Tortilla Cups sound good.  Look at the detail they go into on how to make a cup-shaped tortilla.  If I wrote this recipe, it would say, "Buy cup-shaped tortillas."


Sour Cream Seafood Dinner disappointed me.  I thought it would be this huge deal with five kinds of shellfish and corn and potatoes.  Instead, it's "Pour a bechamel sauce over some fish you made."  Also, they're still assuming I know:  a) how to make a bechamel sauce; and b) that bechamel is what they mean when they say "white."



This is my favorite page.  I love Mrs. Breakstone's Meatloaf.  I love how they ruin it and make it unkosher at the same time with one ingredient.  I love the sketch of Sam Breakstone.  Is that his wife's meatloaf that he hates so much? 


Thankfully, we're on to the desserts.  And I'm being absolutely sincere here when I say that the Apple Nut Coffee Cake sounds delicious.  I wish I had a piece (without nuts) right now.


The Sour Cream Frosted Squares sound okay.  Can you spot the ingredient they forgot?  There's no sugar in the frosting.  I don't think this cookbook was fact checked.


Sam's Company Cheesecake has cottage cheese in it.  Cottage cheese is not ricotta.  Also, if you don't drain the whey from the cottage cheese before you make this, you're probably looking at something closer to cheese soup than cake.

We're coming to the end of the desserts.   The Strawberries 'N Cream Pancake is something most people call breakfast these days, although they probably shouldn't.  Also, what does Sam Breakstone have against the word "And"?  Why is he always abbreviating it?


The Sour Cream Cake with Chocolate Sour Cream Frosting sounds surprisingly great.  They finished strong.


Except for the very last page.  Here, Sam Breakstone gives tips for using sour cream and cottage cheese.  Sadly, all of his suggested uses include eating them.  At no point does he say that they can remove stains or pick up pet hair.


Guess how many of his cottage cheese suggestions involve putting a scoop of cottage cheese on something, like I've been saying this entire article:  five.  Five.  
But his very last suggestion may well prove that writing this cookbook drove Sam Breakstone absolutely insane:

"8.  Stir cottage cheese into your favorite carrot-raisin salad."

Sam Breakstone thinks I have more than one carrot-raisin salad.  He thinks I have so many that I've developed a favorite.  And he wants me to destroy all my fondness for carrots and raisins by dumping in cottage cheese.


The question we are left with is whether anyone was meant to even take these recipes seriously.  Is a bit of marketing fluff like this supposed to actually add value to the product?  Or is it only supposed to appear to add value?  "Buy X units and get this free cookbook" may be enough to sway a purchasing decision at the point of sale.  Reinforcing the reality of Sam Breakstone helps the brand in all cases.  But did Kraft or the authors even expect any more than that?


Reading these recipes closely, I'm inclined to believe that nobody was ever intended to read these recipes closely.  It's just one more mote of marketing nonsense, floating through our world and obscuring the view.